Be a Pizza the Conversation

Engaging in conversations around sexual violence is an important step in uplifting the fact that sexual violence is preventable, and we all play a role in that prevention. Talking about sexual violence can also aid in recognizing what the warning signs of this type of violence look like, so we all can feel empowered to intervene and stop actions, words, and cultural norms that perpetuate sexual violence.

Using current events (like Boise State hosting this event, or Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month which happens every April) can act as a great bridge to engaging in conversations.

• “Did you hear about Be a Pizza the Conversation happening on campus? It made me think about how I want to learn more about preventing sexual violence too.”
• “I just learned that April is Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month and I want to get more involved in helping to prevent violence. What do you think about that?”

It is important to remember that victims of sexual violence don’t “look” like one thing: sexual violence transcends gender, age, race, religion, background, and all other characteristics. It is possible that you could try and engage someone in a conversation when they themselves have experienced forms of sexual violence and you were unaware.

Remember to watch for people’s body language. Are they engaging? Or does this topic make them seem closed off or uncomfortable? It may just be that this person is strained by the topic, so make sure to leave the conversation with an open note, “If you ever do want to talk about something like this, I’m always here to listen.”

If engaging in conversations about sexual violence leads or empowers someone to tell you they themselves are a victim, it is important to show that person support and recognize that disclosing that may have been very difficult for them.

Here are specific phrases from RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network):

• “I believe you. / It took a lot of courage to tell me about this.” It can be extremely difficult for survivors to come forward and share their story. They may feel ashamed, concerned that they won’t be believed, or worried they’ll be blamed. Leave any “why” questions or investigations to the experts—your job is to support this person. Be careful not to interpret calmness as a sign that the event did not occur—everyone responds to traumatic events differently. The best thing you can do is to believe them.
• “It’s not your fault. / You didn’t do anything to deserve this.” Survivors may blame themselves, especially if they know the perpetrator personally. Remind the survivor, maybe even more than once, that they are not to blame.
• “You are not alone. / I care about you and am here to listen or help in any way I can.” Let the survivor know that you are there for them and willing to listen to their story if they are comfortable sharing it. Assess if there are people in their life they feel comfortable going to, and remind them that there are service providers who will be able to support them as they heal from the experience.
• “I’m sorry this happened. / This shouldn’t have happened to you.” Acknowledge that the experience has affected their life. Phrases like “This must be really tough for you,” and, “I’m so glad you are sharing this with me,” help to communicate empathy.

There are a variety of topics related to preventing sexual violence that can lead to proactive conversations!

Having a shared understanding of what consent means is important for everyone to understand. Consent is an agreement between participants to engage in sexual activity and requires clear verbal means for each sexual act. 

When you think of consent, think of FRIES! 

• Freely given. Consenting is a choice you make without pressure, manipulation, or under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
• Reversible. Anyone can change their mind about what they feel like doing, anytime. Even if you’ve done it before.
• Informed. You can only consent to something if you have the full story. For example, if someone says they’ll use a condom and then they don’t, there isn’t full consent.
• Enthusiastic. When it comes to sex, you should only do stuff you WANT to do, not things that you feel you’re expected to do.
• Specific. Saying yes to one thing (like going to the bedroom to make out) doesn’t mean you’ve said yes to others (like having sex).

Knowing the warning signs of sexual violence can help you intervene as an active bystander, and knowing how to report acts of violence can help direct victims to resources and stop further violence from occurring.

The Warning Signs that could lead to Sexual Assault: 

• Withdrawing from other relationships or activities, for example, spending less time with friends, leaving sports teams, or dropping classes
• Saying that their partner doesn’t want them to engage in social activities or is limiting their contact with others
• Disclosing that sexual assault has happened before
• Any mention of a partner trying to limit their contraceptive options or refusing to use safer sexual practices, such as refusing to use condoms or not wanting them to use birth control

• Mentioning that their partner is pressuring them to do things that make them uncomfortable

• Signs that a partner controlling their means of communication, such as answering their phone or text messages or intruding into private conversations

• Visible signs of physical abuse, such as bruises or black eyes

The Warning Signs that Someone May Have Been Assaulted:

• Signs of depression, such as persistent sadness, lack of energy, changes in sleep or appetite, withdrawing from normal activities, or feeling “down”
• Low self-esteem
• Sexually transmitted infections (STIs)
• Anxiety or worry about situations that did not seem to cause anxiety in the past
• Avoiding specific situations or places
• Falling grades or withdrawing from classes
• Increase in drug or alcohol use

Be Empowered to Intervene

If you are actively recognizing that someone may have previously or is currently experiencing forms of sexual violence, know that your actions MATTER and that by stepping in you are helping change the way people think about their own role in preventing sexual violence.

It can be helpful to consider some tools that we could use to safely respond when we witness something concerning. If you feel you are able to intervene as a bystander, consider using the “4 D’s of Bystander Intervention” as a strategy for intervening: 

1. Direct: Directly intervening in a situation
2. Distract: Creating a distraction to deescalate a situation
3. Delegate: Get help or support from a 3rd party
4. Delay: Check in with the person after an incident has occurred

Learn more about practicing active bystander intervention from RAINN

Checkout this flow chart on support and reporting options for survivors at Boise State

Nationally, sexual violence on campus is pervasive.

• 13% of all students experience rape or sexual assault through physical force, violence, or incapacitation (among all graduate and undergraduate students).
• Among graduate and professional students, 9.7% of females and 2.5% of males experience rape or sexual assault through physical force, violence, or incapacitation.
• Among undergraduate students, 26.4% of females and 6.8% of males experience rape or sexual assault through physical force, violence, or incapacitation.
• 5.8% of students have experienced stalking since entering college.

Student or not, college-age adults are at high risk for sexual violence.

• Male college-aged students (18-24) are 78% more likely than non-students of the same age to be a victim of rape or sexual assault.
• Female college-aged students (18-24) are 20% less likely than non-students of the same age to be a victim of rape or sexual assault.

Learn more about national statistics from RAINN

Here at Boise State:

Within the last 12 months-

• 5.4% of students experienced sexual touching without their consent
• 1.1% of students experienced sexual penetration without their consent
• 3.7% of students have been victims of stalking
• 2.2% of students had a partner pressure them into unwanted sexual contact by threatening them, coercing them, or using alcohol or other drugs

Learn more about Boise State’s statistics from the National College Health Assessment 

Sharing resources that support survivors of sexual violence can help create a safety-network within our community. See resources below!