The entrance into my hometown welcomes me with a sight that never gets old. I drive across a two mile long bridge and look to my left and right to see the expansive lake surrounded by mountains under cloudy skies. As I drive through the heart of my small town, feelings of nostalgia come flooding back. I’m hit with the realization that this is like a different world, away from the life in Boise that I’ve adjusted to — and fell in love with.
When I walk through the door of my house, my parents greet me warmly. My little brother gives me a half-hearted, “Sup,” and continues watching TV. When I go to my room, I find boxes situated along the gray walls, which lack decor. The room I grew up in doesn’t really feel like my room anymore. It kind of feels like I’m a guest in my own home.
Going back for break is a much needed breath of fresh air away from school, but it also comes with an unspoken tension floating in the air of the household. I’ve been away at college and have gained independence, I’ve chosen my lifestyle, but still have to abide by my parents’ rules being under their roof again.
The beauty of the stage of life I’m in is that I get to decide the kind of person I want to be, independent from my family, and experience personal growth in a new environment. My awareness of this phase in my life was amplified when I visited home for the first time after moving.
I never thought I would be excited to move out. I was a very fearful person and worried I wouldn’t be capable of doing things and making decisions without talking to my parents first. When it came time to say goodbye to my parents and move into my apartment in Boise, life fell into place and I felt secure in my social life and self sufficiency.
Making new connections and getting involved had the biggest impact on me during that first year. I found a community within the student ministry Cru and met genuine people who became my closest friends. I made it my goal to go to as many events and say “yes” to as many outings as I could so I wouldn’t miss out on an opportunity to try new things and connect with others.
During high school, I was overwhelmed with commitments. I had dance and lacrosse practices several days a week, ran my school’s newspaper, volunteered at an after school program for kids, volunteered for National Honor Society, attended youth groups, and worked a few jobs on top of keeping a 4.0 GPA in school. I was used to my schedule being packed every week and rarely changing, but I was ready for a break from it all and to create a lifestyle with my ideal structure and routine.
That much freedom also felt somewhat daunting, but I ended up loving being able to decide how to spend my time in college, experiencing new things, being intentional in my friendships and focusing on school instead of work. The idea of independence that scared me once, ended up being what made me thrive.
During fall break, my parents and I went on a hike and I asked them how they feel when I come home for breaks. “No matter how long you’re home for, it goes by too fast.” My dad said, “Then, we’re left waiting in anticipation for the next time you come home.” I learned that my parents just want communication about when their kids will be around, so they can make their time together special.
With all of that said, you best believe bickering still happens. I’ve learned that there’s room for healthy conflict when you’ve had more world experience after being away. So, don’t let the idea of conflict scare you. There’s healthy ways to deal with it.
Maybe you need to confront someone, apologize to someone, or forgive someone during break. Boise State’s Conflict Management Resource Center can help prepare you for these conversations. I know I don’t necessarily have the exact same views on everything my family does, but it’s a good thing for inviting mature, respectful conversations with an open mind.
I remember conversations with my dad in the car when he graciously drove all the way to Boise last year so I didn’t have to drive on the snowy roads all the way back home. This was the first time I had seen him since moving to Boise. We had 9 hours to catch up, so I told him about how it was eye opening to be in a bigger city with people from all walks of life who have different opinions and ideas rather than staying in the bubble of the small town I grew up in where everyone knew everyone. He questioned what I meant by “different opinions and ideas”. I could feel his parental concern rising, so I assured him that if going to a university had changed me, it was for the better.
Fast forward a year later to Thanksgiving break 2022 — I talked to my parents about sibling conflict (my least favorite topic). My mom explained that, generally, when the older sibling comes back, they’re more of a helper to the parents to set an example for the younger sibling(s). When the college student comes back home with the new status of adulthood (and hopefully maturity) they’re obviously not a child anymore.
It helped to hear that the rules put in place for me to follow are really more for the younger sibling who doesn’t understand the independence and responsibility of being out of the house. So, when I’m asked to clean up my stuff in the bathroom (when I just have a hairbrush on the counter) or take out the trash (full of my brother’s pizza boxes and McDonalds bags), it’s so my brother sees that I’m doing my part in the household, and he should too.
The biggest thing I’ve learned about breaks from school is that having expectations set me up for disappointment or frustration. It’s okay if I don’t get everything done that I wanted to as long as I’m having quality time with the people I don’t get to see often. It’s so much more fulfilling to put my attention on what’s most important, like the people right in front of me, rather than what’s initially on my agenda.
It came time to load my stuff into my little 2002 slug bug and pick up the friend I traveled with to hit the road at the crack of dawn (more like 8 a.m.). But before that, I had sweet goodbyes with my parents. My little brother even hugged me which is a big deal because it’s a rare occurrence. I knew I’d be back in a matter of weeks so it was more like, “See you later.”
Driving back to Boise, my heart felt full. My friend and I had 9 hours in the car to share highlights and lowlights from the week and reflect on how we can still keep our independence and identities as adults while being under our parents’ roofs over the holidays. We agreed that the fall break didn’t go like either of us had planned (as far as getting homework done and seeing everyone we wanted to), but it was a much-needed time to relax and reconnect with family.
As we drove through the tree-covered mountains dusted with snow, my friend was lulled to sleep in the passenger seat and I was left with my thoughts. I was proud of myself for getting better at letting go of my expectations and making time for my family and friends. My first year, I didn’t want to leave the comfort of my life in Boise, but now I’m looking forward to the next trek I get to make across Idaho to keep maintaining the relationships I’m fortunate to have in my hometown…as long as my slug bug can keep making the journey.
